Today I had a “moment of connection” with elderly Jake I really, really, REALLY wish I could take back.

Jake has been suffering from random but recurrent bouts of GI issues this year and today he had another vet visit for some diagnostic work.

He is mostly good for his doctors but was super wiggly and annoying for his ultrasound—which was done entirely from the OUTSIDE but he just hated the dripping from the alcohol swabbed on to tamp down his fluff. He bit me not once but THREE times to let me know how annoyed he was.

And so, the vet, the vet tech and I all figured the rectal palpation portion of today’s proceedings might need a little cocktail to take the edge off. Rectal palpations are rarely a welcome event, for horses or humans. 😜

But first we decided to give it a go without drugs. We wedged Jake in the corner of a wall and a gate so he didn’t have much room to move and the vet put her sleeve on, lubed up and went in.

Did Jake blow up in rage and horror?

Did he try to get away? Try to kick? Try in any way at all to stop this random human from getting shoulder deep in his bum?

Did he even try to “clench it up”, so to say, to at least slow the proceedings down a bit?

Oh hell no.

Friggin Jake got this dreamy look in his eyes, got totally relaxed and even let his lower lip hang down. The further her arm extended into his colon, the more relaxed he became . He was blissed out. It was horrifying.

And I just had to stand there holding the lead rope while I learned things about him and his inner kinky old man Jake life I never EVER wanted to know.

I didn’t know where to look. At his face, clearly transported into another realm usually only frequented by denizens of opium dens? At his bum where the poor vet was shoulder deep in semi liquid poo while feeling the inner wall of Jake’s colon/G spot? At the young vet tech, standing there watching this all play out and likely reconsidering her career field of choice? It was the most singularly awkward moment I have had in a lifetime of seriously weird moments.

I hope we get the answers we need from this vet visit because I really don’t want any poor soul to have to poke around in there again. 😳

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