Looking for Love in all the Wrong Places


In all those pastoral images of frolicking Jersey cows in green meadows-the kind that make you wish to own your own cow and become a merry milk maid-somehow they never seem to mention the travails of owning a horny heifer.

In case you have never owned a female bovine, you might not know that they come into heat about every 18-24 days, on average. During that period, which can last anywhere from 8-30 hours, they experience a surge in hormones and of course, the desire to find a mate.

What the science-y part of that explanation doesn’t really tell you is that an in-heat heifer can be very, very, VERY loud.

For about 24 hours every two weeks over the last 3-4 months, our farm has been an endless blast of “Mooooooooo. Moooooooo. MOOOOOOOO!” as dear Minna copes with her all her surging teenage love hormones. 

Nothing can stop it. Nothing interrupts it. Nothing deters it. The moo must go on.

Minna will bellow her deeply felt longings through breakfast, lunch and dinner and keep bellowing all night. She doesn’t sleep, doesn’t eat well and NEVER. SHUTS. UP. Hot and bothered” doesn’t even begin to cover it. 🙄

Adding to the fun of a loud, libidinous cow is a secondary horny heifer urge: Mounting anything that stand still.

Minna has tried mounting nearly every other species on the farm in her quest to find true love. Needless to say, nobody appreciates her attentions and the lovelorn heifer has been on the receiving end of rejections that involve hoof, horn and teeth. And yet she never gives up.

She isn’t above trying to mount humans either, something I’m well aware of. Just as you never turn your back on a bull or ram, you should never turn your back on a cow in love. A normally meek and mild mannered cow becomes a 1000 pounds of lusting, rampaging hormones that view you as just another target. Tiger keepers are probably safer than milk maids during the 24 hours of standing heat. 

Today, however, I forgot myself and it wasn’t until I felt the warning cow chin on my shoulder that I reacted, missing being crunched to the ground by a carnal cow in short order. 😮 The frozen air was rent with several four-letter words and the shocked moos of Minna as I told her in no uncertain terms I was NOT interested. 

Minna has a few more months yet before she is old enough to be bred, which means at least a half dozen more days of nonstop mooing, rejected amorous attentions and me having to watch my back nonstop. I have the week marked on the calendar and let me tell you, I cannot wait!

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