How I Will Die

This is how I am going to die- from idiot dogs and snow piles.


After feeding the dogs, I let them all out en masse to do their final business for the night.  As I opened the door nonchalently, my mind was completely on other things--the usual Sunday night morasse of "coulda, shoulda, woulda" before the week starts.  Distracted, I never considered what horrors might await me outside the door.  Lucky for me, the dogs were on the case.


The second all five dogs were out the door, they erupted.  Not like a "oh hey, a squirrel, let's all bark frantically and go chase it".  But a full fledged "The sky is falling and the devil himself is in the yard weilding a flaming ax while flying monkeys circle overhead" freak out.  They were absolutely roaring.


My heart nearly stopped.  I had opened and shut the door for them without really looking outside.  I know the barks of our dogs--this was the most upset and most serious I had ever heard them. It was the kind of barks reserved for the 'real thing", and they were more ferocoious than they had even been when the coyotes tried circling outside our sheep pen. WHAT WAS OUT THERE?


Unlucky for me, our mudroom door has no windows and the windows inside that room are inpenetrable at the moment because we are those cheap folks who plastic our windows each winter (every penny counts!).  So I stood there quaking, my mind filled with a legion of possible terrifying scenarios, while the dogs continued to lose their minds outside.  WHAT WAS OUT THERE?


Finally, I was able turn my fright into action.  I deadbolted the door and crouched and scrabbled my way to the kitchen...if it was a gun-weilding assailant outside, I was presenting no targets. At one point, I actually considered bolting for a weapon but because I needed more info before picking a firearm (hint: find your longest range weapon for don't want to learn that one the hard way), I felt the need to actually look at what I was dealing with first.  Finally I got into position and peeped my head up above the sink to see through the kitchen window.  The dogs has still not let their chorus of hysterics up--WHAT WAS OUT THERE?


You know what the &^&*$*&$^* was out there?


A ^%&^%*^%*& snowman...well a giant, snow witch to precise.


A snow witch (so deemed by our daughter) the dogs had watched us spend the entire afternoon building.  A snow witch I know at least three of them had peed on during the course of said build.  A snow witch the other two of them had climbed to the top of in order to try to steal her lips (which were made of Twizzlers).


But apparently in the two hours they have been inside, the dogs entirely forgot what that pile of snow was.  They were circling her, baying for blood, and acting like the very world was ending. Bathed in the yard light, I admit she had taken on a somewhat goulish cast but still, it had been there ALL DAY.  How do you forget it was there after using it as a bathroom and a buffet line?


I have a bit of a nervous twitch wherein extreme fear for me often turns fully into the pure fight, of the "fight or flight" primitive animal brain options.  Armed with the knowledge that my idiot dogs were simply barking at snow, I went into a hysterical rage myself and ran outside after the dogs.


And so to end the scene, you could have found a grown woman, decked out in her long-sleeved, high-necked "granny jammies", running around outside in her stocking feet in a frenzy of apoplectic fury, yelling a litany of dire threats to her dogs, while those same dogs continued to circle the giant snow witch in a mania of their own. A part of me really wanted to lay hands on one of the idiots and at least drag them inside, but they were smart enough to steer clear of their furious owner and so it was that I was circling the snow witch as well.


I am fairly sure that if someone had driven into the yard at that moment they would have been sure they were witnessing some sort of bizarre cult ritual taking place.

We are now all inside and recovering for our harrowing ordeal. 

I am 100% sure that I shaved at least 3-4 years off my life expectency tonight. 

Want to bet 5 bucks they do it all over again when I let them out in the morning?



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