Many of you have asked why in the world Amjad of Pakistan messaged my page in search of “Giant Goat Semen”.

Some think he was trying to play a scam ala the Nigerian princes. Some think it was a dirty message gone wrong in translation. But no, I am fairly sure that Amjad stumbled across this page in genuine search of “giant goat semen”, because indeed, I have researched and written a fair bit on the subject.

My interest in giant goat semen goes back to when I first stumbled across the Facebook page for “Goat Breeds of Pakistan” (photo from their page below) and was introduced to the amazing world of Pakistani goat breeds. Unlike the US, where are are confined to a small group of milking breeds and an even smaller group of meat breeds, Pakistan is full of a huge, crazy variety of goats—from goats with insane ears to goats that high step like a show horse to yes, giant, GIANT goats bred specifically for the Eid holidays, where size is often everything (top Eid goats sell for $10,000 US +).

As is my nature, I decided that unlike most small farm holders in America who seek out the tiniest, most miniature versions of each livestock breed, I wanted the most giant goat I could get. Bigger is always better, right? In Pakistan, they are breeding goats that regularly top 500 pounds and are the height of medium ponies. I mean, who DOESN’T want a goat that big? I could be the person who created a dynasty line of giant goats for the US. I saw my bright future as the Queen of Giant Goats in the US…stars were in my eyes.

And so I started my research.

First I found out what I already kind of knew: Absolutely no live goat imports to US except for from Canada and NZ/Australia…and then only with loads of quarantines and paperwork and expense. Except for horses, it’s pretty darn hard to get any live large animal here. Sooooo, what about genetic components?

Shipping fresh or frozen semen is a pretty standard practice for many livestock producers. I knew that the folks trying to recreate the Valais Blacknose sheep here in the US were using imported sheep semen from Europe so I thought, why not Pakistani giant goat semen? I could track down the biggest female goats here in the US and do exactly what the Valais folks were doing–breed up to my giant goats of lore.

Nope. The US, for some bizarre reason, only allows goat semen imports from a handful of countries…none of which were Pakistan.

So could I get the giant goat semen from Pakistan to a legal country and from there to here? Literally some goat semen island hopping.

This started me on a quest to read import/export requirements from a half dozen countries across the world, several of which I had to Google translate into English. I don’t want to admit just how much of my life such research took up, but I can be bizarrely stubborn when it comes to things like this and I forged ahead, carrying my Pakistani goat semen torch high.

Alas, it was not to be. Nowhere could I directly connect the Pakistan dots to the United States dots. Short of paying a black market smuggler to bring giant goat semen to me on a duffel bag on a remote beach on the southeast coast, I wasn’t going to get giant goat semen into this country.

That’s when I took note of a US import clause–while I could NOT bring goat semen here, I could in fact bring in goat meat…fresh meat that would hold entire DNA sequences that could be replicated. (cue evil laugh here)

And that led me to a company that offers cloning for livestock producers, ironically almost in my own backyard, a few dozen miles away in Iowa. We have come so far since Dolly the Sheep that any old person can send this company DNA and they will make you a critter from it. And while the price tag is not inconsiderable, in the grand scheme of the potential expenses involved in the international import of livestock, it’s not that bad: $6,000-$10,000.

Now, considering my personal history with goats (it has never turned out well and I fully understand now why the devil is always portrayed with goat features), it is 99.99% likely that if I cloned a giant Pakistani goat, it would turn into some sort of mutant super predator that destroys me, my farm and possibly the planet, crushing us under its cloven hooves and skewering us with giant horns. But man, it would be so much fun to try…

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